Life right now is a rush of change.
So many pieces of myself have been tumbling down so fast, I find myself feeling self-preserving, wanting to pull them into me, examine them and say goodbye to them before sharing those examinations and goodbyes with others through my writing.
It has struck me, on a fundamental, makes by bones quake and reverberate kind of level, just how much of myself I’ve given out, poured out, spent out throughout the years. It is in the make-up of a people helping job to be a giver, and it is in the nature of being a healer to heal. And while I don’t know the exact equation that equals the balance of energy output vs. input when you feel called to give and heal in this wanting world- I know my equation is way off balance, and that I have wanting inside my own world.
For any of us, the best we can do is just try and be ourselves and figure out life as we go along. And when we figure out something isn’t working- change it.
It has been a massive change making the decision to leave Alaska for Kauai and then taking the steps to get there. Perhaps more massive than many realize, because they are not the one embodying and holding that experience within themselves and feeling the full felt-sense of the internal shifts and changing places and rearrangements that I’ve been feeling within; this move isn’t just about change of address, it is about change of identity.
But there is something in me that has been trying to break free for quite some time, and this is the only ways I could figure to find space to let her breathe and be and evolve. This week I whispered to the clouds and the sky and the trees in fervid gasps of blessed frenzy- “I quit, I quit, I quit.”
I cannot be this version of self any longer. I will not be this version of self any longer.
It is both terrifying and liberating when we realize we have reached the end of something inside of ourselves, and we find the courage to start living our life in such a way as to align with that truth. Greater alignment always equals change. And change is hard. But necessary for growth, because we did not come here to stay the same, we are here to learn to be rearranged.
So here, in living rearrangement, is where I find myself. Examining my tumbling pieces, 6 weeks out from what is the biggest move of my life. Liberated, terrified, exhausted, electrified. Wondering just who I will be in 6 months, as I try and get a sense and glimpse of the face of the woman I’ll become.
Whoever she is, she’s learned the holy power of the word “no,” and she’s not afraid to free herself.