Today I had a vision of myself standing blindfolded in a starry sky, globe spinning before me as I tried to play pin the tail on the “donkey” and choose the right place to land. The spot where I “fit.”
Seems like these days I have been aimlessly flying, going tree to tree, sea to sea, blue to green, trying to find the places I plug in.
A toe in the door of Alaska, a toe in the door of Kauai, the rest of my feet and the rest of me hanging somewhere in the scattered galaxy of transition- I’ve come back to the question of belonging in my own life. A long time inquisitor who likes to reappear from time to time.
Who am I, which way am I going, from where did I come?
I’m a free spirit and a daughter. A wife and a sister of a deceased brother. A healer who’s not quite healing the way she’s supposed to be, so I find myself restless and discontent. A writer and author who hasn’t quite found the place I fit, but I’m writing on anyways. An artist who never seems to have the precious time, time, time to lend to her projects; I have so much untapped I wish to create.
And perhaps most pressing- a person trapped somewhere between the me I used to be and the me I’m supposed to be. And where does that leave me now in this limbo of change?
Spinning that globe of what’s next, eyes blindfolded, trying to pinpoint my place.
Patience is no friend to the lost, but it is always a friend to those who are trying to make their way home. Home to one another, home to ourselves, home to our hearts who are trying to swell and love and grow.
It is an intense time of transition right now, perhaps I’ll look back fondly someday and smile nostalgically at all that I have felt during this time. But for today, I keep trying to ground myself in the dark, and believe in my own vision of light.
As such, I decided I needed a fresh project and started a new website yesterday. Under my own moniker- claiming myself, claiming my name, claiming a vision of things to come.
Truthfully, I still can’t figure out widgets or exactly what the content will be or if I chose the right template for what I want to do- we’re operating on a skeleton crew over there.
But that vision of light that I speak of is a vision where I can bring all these pieces swirling around me- the writer, the artist, the therapist, the intuitive, the shaman, the dancer, the teacher, the human- into the same place and somehow piecemeal together a constellation that belongs and makes sense amidst the skies of that spinning persistence.
If I can’t find my place,I’ll create one. Even if it belongs to little else but me. Though I help it becomes more than just that and grows in years to come as I grow and lengthen and transition into that person I feel I’m supposed to be. And I hope someday it reminds me that even when we feel directionless, we can always dig deep to find the light of home.
Home to one another, home to ourselves, home to our hearts who are trying to swell and love and grow.
And in the meantime- these feelings right now, these days right now- what a reminder of what it means to be human. To feel in limbo between two worlds. For we spend just as much time not knowing as knowing, just as much time wandering as finding, just as much time seeking as believing.
Just as much time getting lost in this world as we do finding those places we fit, then walking each other home.