Change is always possible, reinvention always plausible, leaps of faith always supported by Life -sometimes we get so locked into seeing something a certain way, we just can’t quite see the way through.
I’ve been spending my weekend proofing my book, and I was struck, as I read one of the essays, on how much has changed over the past 8 months.
I wrote it last summer, just after Memorial Day, when on a whim- which came with a profound sense of conviction- I realized that I felt stuck, thwarted and trapped in my own life and was achingly hungry for change. At that time, we were still planning a Kauai move- the time line was just stretched further out- but as I drove to work that particular Tuesday, I decided to close my practice 1 year from that day.
Fifty-two weeks, I said.
I kept waiting for Life to make the change easier on me, show me the way through, and then I realized that sometimes you just need to pick a date, set a time line, and be your own agent of change instead of sitting around waiting for something else to do the work for you.
I needed that end date. Needed to stop talking about change and start being my own change. Needed to take a giant step of faith and tell the Universe: I am willing to jump and start letting go on my end, now help things begin to line up to support this change from you end.
I committed to this decision and began to follow through, in part by simply speaking my truth and beginning to tell people, this is happening. Though our leave date has since shifted to later in June, making that internal choice, choosing to say, I choose new space, freed up something inside of me that was suffocating.
At the time, I had started to think I didn’t want to be a Psychologist anymore. Was feeling stuck in my profession, stuck in an overly busy practice whose demands drained and fatigued me. Stuck in the rigidity of the therapy chair, only practicing one mode of healing through my 1:1 work.
Now, 8 months later, I have realized that I was simply out of balance. It’s not that I no longer wanted to be a psychologist, it’s just that I needed to make massive space to expand and do more than just that work.
I have spiritual gifts, gifts of intuition, gifts of channeling that I wasn’t aware of back in June, gifts of running women’s circles, and gifts of working with people on their soul paths that I wasn’t utilizing. Gifts that weren’t necessarily valued, appreciated, or recognized for what they were in the places and ways I was doing life.
I was thirsting for something, but I couldn’t quite see what. I have found though, that sometimes thirst is exactly how our inner spirit begins to speak truth to us. We begin to feel stuck or discontent or like we don’t fit into spaces we once fit into, and though we can’t quite see the path, we know something is out of alignment within.
And it is not unusual for those visceral, internal feelings to start long before our inner truth rises up and makes its way into our stream of consciousness.
I knew I wanted to be more than just a healer in the capacity of the therapy room, needed to nourish and grow something inside, but I didn’t see my path: releasing the consistency of that income felt big and scary and unknown and setting a course to close it all down and sell our beloved home felt substantial and near impossible.
Now, 8 months later, I very clearly see the path and have begun to have more opportunities to step into the work I believe I have to do in this world.
8 months later, I have tested Life’s response to my leap of faith and discovered that if I stop taking new clients (a risky move I made in June in an effort to clear space for this unknown self to further emerge), that I would still have enough work to make a living. Turns out, I have had plenty of work with regulars continuing to be regulars, a few wonderful, old faces coming back, and Life doing a beautiful job at helping me release and relocate people who wish to see someone in person when I move and confirm those who want to continue our work via teletherapy.
And it turns out, in all this reshuffling of my practice, I was able to absolutely reaffirm how much I care about and hold love for so many individuals, and I want to know what happens on their journeys- I care about their well being. And as it also turns out, many of them who I have long term relationships with, have surprised me with their support of my choice and how much they care about my well-being.
There are multiples forms of healing; sometimes affirmation of care for one another and the validation that we all have a need for wellness and the right to choose to do things differently is its own balm.
8 months later, I am no longer spiritually frustrated and feel so much space to own who I am, what my gifts are, and to continue to write about growth of soul. Lamentations of the Sea being a major stepping stone for this.
8 months later, and I see the way where I couldn’t see it this time last year. These days, I often have imagery flashing through my minds eye- Stacks of books and manuscripts piled around as I sit at my laptop and write, while palm trees wave outside my window and the ocean echoes nearby.
Circles of women and circles of stones- groups, retreats, healing opportunities- that offer whoever comes the space for them to find whatever they need for their heart at that point in time.
Integrating psychology and spirituality on a deeper level, so I can bring more of my complete, authentic self into the work.
Me on the beach, talking to the sun and the waves and the sky, gleaning inspiration from the natural wonder and pockets of magic on Kauai’s beautiful land.
And mostly, me starting over. Stepping out of old roles and old ruts and old patterns of being, so I can reinvent myself as I see fit. Without resistance, excuse, or apology.
Change is always possible, reinvention always plausible,
leaps of faith always supported by Life.
Sometimes, all the time, we just have to find the courage to trust what we are trying to tell our self, then speak that change into being.