After Dog

The house is so quiet tonight.

Empty.

It wasn’t supposed to happen liked this.

I don’t know how it was supposed to happen, but not so fast. So sudden. So overnight.

He was my Best Friend. My Ever Present. My Boon Companion.

Yet he told me today, unequivocally, it was time.

Time to say goodbye.

Time to say I’ll see you later.

Time to Let Go.

I am grateful for that. Grateful that he took care of me up until the end and let me know. Mom, it’s time. NOW. 100%.

You have to learn to let go.

I have no questions I made the right decision, no doubts. His gaze this morning said it all.

I am sure I will have more to say in days to come, but tonight… well tonight it is hard to breathe.

We had almost a perfect last night and day.

Bedtime stories. I held him for the entire night. Carried him around the duck pond and rose garden in the morning, because he wasn’t able to walk. Took him to his favorite places around town. Went for a drive. Gave him a last biscuit. Said goodbye to our home, the office. Licked one last client with care.

We reminisced.

I told him exactly who he has been to me. How fast my heart beats for him. He already knew all that, but I needed to say it for me.

Told him he was the best of the best of the best.

Thanked him for loving me. So long, so hard. For so many years.

Then he looked at me and said it was time. Not tomorrow. Not later in the afternoon after the vet looked at him and I tried to steal more time with “one last walk,” “one last cuddle,” “one last drive.”

But NOW.

I knew.

Beyond a doubt.

So I told him goodbye. It was okay to let go. It was okay to release me.

Because that’s what Love does.

It lets go.

I have no doubt he would still be sitting in my lap right now. Hurting, suffering, hanging on. If I hadn’t told him it was okay to go. Once I said the words… he needed to hear them. It was fast.

I do not know what comes After Dog.

Clearly, Life goes on.

For tonight though, for tonight it stops. I allow myself to be. Directionless. Lost. Heartbroken.

And grateful.

So very grateful that I should know such unconditional love. That I should have the moments I did. That I should know exactly what it is to have one’s heart filled.

Filled.

With total disregard to genus and species, and complete regard to the amount of love one holds.

And Dog. Well he had a lot of Love in his heart.

The best of the best of the best.

Already, he is so very sorely missed.

Be well Best Friend. You have my heart.

Always.